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Okay, being a SAHM is wonderful. Beyond wonderful. I love being on my own schedule and creating a doable schedule for the kids, cooking and eating when I want to, and of course, parenting my two lovely children.
But when you only see your two lovely children all week with limited adult and husband time, things can take a turn for the worst. You get lonely. I get lonely.
I want someone to talk to.
Often I need just someone to talk about non-children stuff or to pile my frustrations on or to have them tell me their issues so I feel better about mine. Or someone to go do things with, like sip a cup of tea, talk about silly things, or retail therapy.
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter if I know people love and want to talk to me even if they don’t have time. What matters is I don’t have the kind of relationship with them that I wish I had, and I don’t always have the time or means to make that relationship work.
It is okay to be lonely, I just want to make that clear. I think we all know that, but we also know how not fun loneliness is. How it feels like suffering (and in a way it is) and awful and just, well, lonely.
I get you.
Even better, Jesus gets you. Think of how lonely he must have felt on his walk to his crucifixion, with that heavy rough cross on his shoulders. Even his friends had abandoned Him, denied his very existence.
On top of that, we have all had events in our lives that have made us feel a certain way (often lonely, rejected, or abandoned). It is very hard to get rid of those strong negative feelings, and they often come back when a similar situation arises.
It’s a natural thing, but one that can get out of hand quickly if we don’t recognize it and figure out a way to help banish those feelings we may tend towards.
Our culture is great at recognizing these feelings, but not always so great at solving the issues with common sense.
A few truths to remember when dealing with loneliness:
That leads me to practical and proven ways to get rid of your feelings of loneliness. I am still on a journey to fully realizing these methods, but I do believe they can work for me and my particular situation.
According to Kevin Vost of The Catholic Guide to Loneliness, knowing how you tend to respond to social situations based on past experiences will help with combatting loneliness in the future. Adaptive social thinking is training yourself to think more rationally and calmly in intense or stressful situations.
As I briefly mentioned above, loneliness can simply be a product of thinking like a lonely person. I can’t explain it as well as Dr. Vost can, but our thoughts are part of ourselves that we can control.
Regardless of external circumstances, we have been given the reign over our thought processes, judgments, and moral purposes by the Creator himself.
We can remember the skills with which we made friends in the first place (our basic human connection properties), remember our worth in God’s eyes, and remember to give thanks and finding joy in trials we might experience in life.
Honestly, I was astounded when I pondered this truth. Yet it makes so much sense. Of course, we have been given control over certain parts of our bodies. While we may not be able to stop the reactive emotions that happen when events trigger our feelings of loneliness, training our minds to not react in a negative way is crucial.
I am still a long way from perfecting my adaptive social thinking, but at least I know now how to recognize it better and use positive self-talk and rationale to get rid of that awful feeling as soon as possible.
One of the primary reasons we are lonely, to begin with, is we have one or two bad experiences with certain people, and then begin to shut everyone out. It might not be that way for everyone, but it seems to make sense.
After all, what is the best way to get yourself hurt again? Putting yourself out there again and again, and allowing people to walk on you.
No, not really. You have to realize that there are three different levels of friendship. Level one is a friendship based on need, level two a friendship based on mutual interests, and level three a friendship based on self-giving sacrifice and love.
Many philosophers and saints have written books on this concept.
The main thing to know is that we all have friendships in each of these categories. If you don’t have friendships you feel could stand the test of time, then think about how you could reach out to a person.
How are you being a friend to that person? Are you interested in their lives beyond what you have in common or what you need from that person?
How can you bring joy, comfort, and healing to that person in their times of need?
I realize that in many of my acquaintances and friendships over the years, of the many wonderful ones I have had, I was always seeking something from them. It always started in a place of I need something from them.
The friends that needed something from me was always a good feeling, but I don’t think I nurtured that friendship the way I should have.
It may have grown to a mutual like in several parts of our lives, but level three has been a very rare and very precious thing to find.
Therefore, knowing how important and precious that level three friendship is, I am changing my thinking. My nature to be more giving and helpful instead of selfish and greedy. Becoming the kind of person that someone wants a level three relationship with.
Does that make sense?
I have written about the redemptive qualities of suffering before, and I highly believe that loneliness would fall under the category of gnawing, insatiable loneliness that some of us suffer from.
One of the primary reasons we are lonely, to begin with, is we have one or two bad experiences with certain people, and then begin to shut everyone out, and spend time with ourselves.
It might not be that way for everyone, but it seems to make sense. After all, we think, what is the best way to get ourselves hurt again? Putting yourself out there again and again, and allowing people to walk on you.
Other reasons include being deliberately shunned for who you are, what you stand for, or where you are from.
It doesn’t seem worth it, but is it not? Jesus did the same thing. The saints did the same thing. Many of the saints suffered terrible loneliness and rejection in their own lives, yet found solace and love in Jesus’ arms.
If you have never read the Flame of Love by Elizabeth Kindlemann, it might be a good place to start. This opened my eyes to the real kind of loneliness and suffering that some endure simply because of their love and service to God.
God never promised that our journey to heaven wouldn’t be hard or lonely, he just promised he would be there with us. The whole way.
It brings me back to how I am wanting to trust God more in 2019, and how hard this concept is. But if suffering and loneliness bring me closer to God and give me a more trusting relationship to my Heavenly Father, than so be it.
Once I turn my focus outward instead of inward on “woe is me” thinking, it becomes easier.
I mean, I strive to be saint anyway, so the concept of being lonely in my life should be a good thing, right? I keep telling myself that, but it’s always a hard concept to swallow.
The whole reason I wrote this post, to begin with, is because I discovered a wonderful book of a resource. The Catholic Guide to Loneliness: How Science and Faith can Help Us Understand It, Grow from it, and Conquer It by Kevin Vost, PSY.D. All of the concepts and solutions I have pointed towards I have discovered in this book.
In this book, Dr. Vost explains our tendencies towards loneliness, ways to combat it, and also other practical and helpful reads to expand our education on loneliness.
It has been so enlightening to me on my journey as a blogger, wife, and SAHM, and simply a child of God.
However, I also did some more research. Here are some other online resources for loneliness if you feel like reading a book won’t be enough:
If you are in a difficult spot and feel like you need help from overwhelming or occasional feelings of loneliness, please read the Catholic Guide to Loneliness. It really is an insightful book that gives you a perspective from a scientific and Catholic point of view, which is so priceless in today’s world.
In the meantime, ponder the things I have said and seek help if you need it. Changing your way of thinking is good for many situations in life, but getting free of the confines of loneliness is a great reason.
I know because I’m there, and I want to create a better situation for my life. I want you to, too.
You’ve got this.
And God’s got you!
God Bless, friends!
If you need extra support in your particular season of life, I offer coaching for Catholic moms who struggle with feelings of powerlessness and being stuck.
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Thanks so much for writing this. As a person who is shy and lives by herself, I'm struggling with loneliness during Covid . I'll be checking out that book you mentioned.
Thank you for sharing. It helped me greatly. God bless.
Prayers for you, Dee! 2020 was definitely the best and worst year for me, so I understand! There is always hope!!!
What a great post! Thank you for the additional resources. I never thought loneliness as a sahm would be something that would get to me. Boy was I wrong! You provide some great insight.
Hi Emily! I thought the same thing since I am usually a really upbeat and positive person. Thank you for reading the post!